Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
