Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
