i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
