so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
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I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.