I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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