He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
