Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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