took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
