I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
