Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
