I cockslap morals
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
worst night to have a conscience
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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