dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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