drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
