My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
