If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
