I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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