Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
