i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
