But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
