if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
