You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
