My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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