If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
