you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
