dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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