Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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