he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
