Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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