Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
