Your dad touched me again.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
