Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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