my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
