Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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