Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
