DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
