Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
