Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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