Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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