I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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