So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Verdict: uncircumcised.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
