Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
