swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
