Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
