in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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