I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
