I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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