i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize