I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
