Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
