I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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