Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
