I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize